


Trading an Ape for a Temple

by sarkywoman



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Body Dysphoria, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26604322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarkywoman/pseuds/sarkywoman
Summary: Diego doesn’t know how good he has it.For the bad things happen bingo square, 'Body Swap'. A run-in with some other powered people lets Diego and Luther walk a mile in each other's shoes.
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves/Luther Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves/Klaus Hargreeves
Comments: 14
Kudos: 114
Collections: Bad Things Happen Bingo





	Trading an Ape for a Temple

**Author's Note:**

> Sort of AU compliant with most of S2 but assuming they got back to the present and life went on as 'normal'. Reverted to start of S1 bitchy Diego with a dose of his himbo energy from S2. Klaus and Luther are also himbos. It's mostly a silly fic tbh with a hint of Luther angst.

Like any combat situation, it all happens so fast. They’re all trained to the point that battlefield choices are fairly instantaneous, rather than drawn-out conscious choices. Even after all the intervening years, they’ve jumped back into it like riding a bike, never forgotten. 

Five blurs around the street, ducking the blazing projectiles flung from the hands of threat number one.

Allison hears a Rumour that has their invisible threat number two appearing before them for Vanya to blast away.

Klaus is getting better and better at manifesting the dead and has a squad of ghosts terrorising threats three and four, the spike-covered twins.

Diego has his eyes on Klaus’ surroundings, flinging out a couple of knives to pin threat five to a boarded-up shop window before they can do anything to save their comrades.

Diego’s so intent on protecting Klaus he doesn’t see dangerous threat number six on the rooftop. Luther does. He runs forward, shouting Diego’s name.

He tackles him to the ground as threat six unleashes their strange power. Everything goes purple for a moment and Luther can’t repress a full-body shudder. It feels like the hairs on his skin are sitting wrong. 

Someone screams a retreat – one of their enemies. Diego grunts.

“Will you get _off_ of me, you stupid ape?”

Luther rolls off of him. “Sorry.”

Already Diego is moving into a crouch and throwing a knife after one of their attackers. It curves around the corner and Luther hears a distant scream. Diego moves to follow, then goes down to a knee. 

“Fuck! I think you sprained my ankle. Damn it!”

“I think what you mean,” Allison says, “is ‘thank you for saving my oblivious ass, Luther’.”

“If that’s what I meant, I’d say it.”

Five appears beside them, looking about as pleased with their performance as ever. Like a mini-Reginald.

“They got away. Again.”

“We held our own better this time,” Vanya points out.

“That was hardly going to be difficult,” Five sneers, a reminder of how badly they got their asses kicked in the previous confrontation. 

Klaus helps Diego to his feet, letting him lean on his scrawny shoulder. “This time we made them run away. That’s progress, Five. Baby steps.”

The way Five’s eyes narrow suggest he has something to say about baby steps, but Allison speaks first. “Are you two okay? Last time that guy did the funky mind beam...” She trails off.

Their previous fight had a collateral count of four civilians. Luther had felt wretched. He’s not like Diego, out on the mean streets watching people die night after night. He’s a trained superhero. The only time he has ever considered losing someone strategically it was Vanya for the sake of the world, and look how that turned out. Those citizens should have been safe once the Umbrella Academy arrived on the scene. Two teens were dead by the time the group got their shit together and arrived (there had been debate on whether they were seriously going to reform a superhero team when they saw the maniacs on the news). One young man died in the crossfire, skewered by the twins. then an older lady seemed okay for a few minutes after being hit by the strange mind beam, only to keel over before they could get her checked out.

Luther clambers to his feet, his top-heavy frame always making him slow to rise. “I mean, I don’t hurt anywhere.”

“Lucky you,” Diego snarks.

“Hey, I was saving your ass.”

“You were just getting us _both_ zapped!”

“It’s been a while since I had a team to look out for, okay?”

Diego rolls his eyes. “Here we go again. Our fault for walking out, leaving baby Luther all alone with a mad man’s mission.”

“Give it a break,” Allison snaps. 

Five is looking between Luther and Diego, thinking.

“It’s possible that the effects of whatever it was only work with a single target, in which case Luther _did_ save you. But we should probably get you checked out to be on the safe side.”

“No way, I’m going home,” Diego grouches. “I actually have a life outside of this X-Men bullshit. Call me if the big ape dies.” He turns to leave.

“Stop calling me that!” Luther steps forward. He doesn’t want to throw down with Diego (or anyone else today), but the snide comments are becoming a little unbearable. 

“Why?” Diego turns back. “It’s true. Tell me, have you actually done any useful training since you got that monkey bod?”

Vanya sighs and shakes her head. “Diego...”

“No, he acts like he’s the great leader, the only one who’s stayed on-mission all this time, but floating around on the moon doesn’t keep you combat-ready!” He points a knife angrily. “If you actually wanna be useful in a fight, try some training with those monkey muscles because your lame-ass boxing with old men in the sixties didn’t cut it. Or you’re just a weight careening around the place and you’re gonna get someone killed.” 

He turns back and strides off. Klaus looks awkward, but gestures after him. “I’m gonna… make sure he’s okay with his ankle.”

“Keep an eye on him,” instructs Five. “We don’t know the nature of that guy’s power yet.”

Klaus fake-salutes him and flails gracelessly down the street after Diego. Allison pats Luther’s arm.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Takes a lot to hurt me.”

“I wish that was true,” she says quietly.

Vanya has to get home to practise for a recital, but the rest of them return to the Academy. Five stays while Grace scans Luther. Everything seems normal aside from some unusual brain activity, but it’s nothing they are able to decipher before Luther wants to go to bed. Five retreats to his room, leaving Allison and Luther alone. 

“You’re uh… heading home late.”

She shrugs with a little smile. “Thought I might stay over. In my old room. Not to be critical of Five’s bedroom manner, I’m sure it’s _fantastic_ , but I want to check you’re okay in the morning.”

“Well, mom’s here,” Luther says, for want of any response. 

It’s the wrong thing to say. Damn it. Allison’s brow furrows in confusion. “Would you… prefer mom to--”

“No! No. You’ll be fine.”

Still wrong. Luther really hopes that look on her face is bemusement. 

Allison nods slowly. “Okay, well… I’ll see you in the morning.”

He buries his face in his hands as she leaves. He never used to be this awkward. When they were younger he was so sure of himself, believing he was Number One in all ways. He thought if he wanted her, she wouldn’t want anyone else but him. But that self-esteem, it was built on so many childish assumptions and his father’s lies. Sometimes he worries the others have all grown up without him to the point that he can’t catch up. Allison especially, with her career, her marriage, her child. She’s changed in almost every way except for still being the most compelling and beautiful person Luther could ever know. 

In his room he stops by his mirror. His shirt was removed for some of the medical tests so there is nothing to hide the fuzzy, scarred mess of his huge chest. He wonders if Allison has ever tried to picture him on her arm as he looks now, because he certainly can’t.

After twisting the mirror so that he won’t have to see it when he wakes up, he climbs into his creaking bed. Sleep comes on surprisingly quickly. 

Some undetermined time later, there’s warmth pressed down the length of his body. He blinks at the grey ceiling then glances down to see a head of dark curls pillowed on his chest. What the… Luther strains his neck to get a look at their face.

“Klaus?!”

“Nooo… too early.” Klaus rolls away, dragging some of the thin blanket with him but not enough to hide the flash of skin. He presses his smudged eyes into the pillow and goes back to sleep, leaving Luther laying there bewildered beside him trying not to look at the pale thigh and asscheek now on show. 

He sits up and clambers over Klaus and the blankets to get out of the bed. His ankle twinges and he almost overshoots and falls, only able to steady himself at the last minute with a hand on the concrete pillar that sits in the middle of Diego’s apartment. Why is he in Diego’s apartment?

Luther stares at his outstretched arm. Genetics and a life inside a mansion had made him _far_ paler than that. Not to mention the arm is… while not skinny in the mainstream version of the word, it’s a lot skinnier than Luther’s arm. 

He looks down at himself.

Immediately looks up again. He’s naked, of course. He’s not sure what he expected to see. 

“Dee,” Klaus whines. “Come back to bed. S’early.”

“I’m okay,” Luther says with Diego’s voice. 

Wait, Diego is _sleeping_ with Klaus? How long has that been going on?

“Ugh, asshole. M’going back to sleep.”

“Okay.”

Klaus rolls onto his side and blinks his bleary eyes open. He pouts. What if this was the first time he and Diego had slept together? Luther should say something. But he doesn’t want to freak him out. When he’s got a way to fix this maybe, but Klaus will be of no use in that regard. 

“Uh, so last night was...”

With a wave of his hand, Klaus shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. You were all worked up from the fight, it happens. Wasn’t the first time, won’t be the last. Not like you didn’t still make it worth my while.” He grins and blows Luther a kiss. “You always do.”

“Good. That’s… good.”

“You okay, baby?” Klaus is frowning now. Luther remembers that Klaus, for all his scatterbrained ignorance, picks up on things that the rest of them don’t. Moods and mannerisms. 

“Yeah. Sure. Just… gotta go do… things.” 

“Uh huh. Are you going to talk to Luther? You said you would.”

“I did?”

“Ugh,” Klaus thumps his head back into the pillow. “Such an asshole. _You_ admitted you felt bad which, for the record, I told you would happen. Luther’s been trying really hard since we got back and he was trying to protect you.”

“I don’t need protecting,” Luther says automatically. He has a moment of panic before realising that no, that’s exactly what Diego would say too. 

“Right. Well thankfully Luther doesn’t think that’s true. He’ll protect you just as he’d protect any of us and I’m grateful, even if you’re not.”

Luther blinks. He’s been asking himself for a while if his family actually need him at all. If he would be better off just shrinking his existence back to the house and staying there, letting them live their lives without him. It hadn’t occurred to him for a moment that any of them were, well, even thinking of him in any way. 

“You know what it would do to me to lose you now? After everything? Just because of some dumbfuck’s laser eyes?”

“It’s more of a mind beam,” Luther mumbles. That would make sense. Some sort of mental displacement. It wouldn’t explain why that lady died, but it must have caused Diego and Luther to trade… brains?

“Whatever. Go do your stuff and I’ll stay here. Apologise to Luther and I might suck your cock.”

Luther’s eyes go wide. He thinks he might be blushing. “Um…” He spies black jeans and a t-shirt crumpled up by the foot of the bed and starts getting dressed. Klaus watches keenly. Luther tries to ignore it. He hasn’t been subject to that kind of gaze before, but this one isn’t for him either, not really.

“It’s so sad when you put clothes on. Like someone rewrapping your Christmas present after it was handed to you.”

“Well… I need to wear pants to go outside.”

Klaus sighs. “Such is the state of the world. I’ll be here pantsless when you get back. Unless I get antsy and go out for something.”

As he leaves, Luther points a finger at him. “No drugs.”

“Aww, okay. I’ve only had a couple slip-ups though!”

“That’s a couple too many. No more.”

“ _Fine_.”

It’s strange how light he feels going up the steps, even with the sore ankle. Luther thought he was constantly aware of his weight before and after his moon-trip, but he must have become more accustomed to it than he realised.

From the top of the stairs he glances back and sees Klaus has snuggled back into the pillow and is seemingly going back to sleep. 

Hopefully by the time he wakes up Luther will have the actual Diego ready for him. 

*

Diego wakes up feeling far too hot. He groans and fidgets, eventually kicking the blanket away. He expects to hear Klaus whine about it. When there’s silence he reaches for him. Pats the bed to his left. No Klaus. Pats the bed to his right-- 

There’s no more bed and he falls out, hitting the floor hard. 

“Ow, fuck...”

He goes to sit up but it takes a few attempts. His body feels weirdly heavy and sore. As he struggles upright he realises he is not in his bedroom. The broken model plane hanging from the ceiling, the certificates of achievement printed out by Pogo for their learning modules… this is Luther’s room. 

Looking around, Diego finds a mirror turned towards the wall and turns it back to himself with trepidation. He already knows what he’s going to see, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

“Ohhh… hell no,” he mutters with Luther’s voice as his reflection stares back at him with Luther’s eyes. His big, hairy bod. Diego presses his fingers carefully to the scars he sees scattered over his chest and arms. He wonders how Luther got these. The surgeries? Wouldn’t have been serious combat on the moon.

That dumb ape. If he hadn’t thrown himself over Diego, this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe he would have died, but this wouldn’t have happened. 

After glancing around to make sure nobody else had materialised in the bedroom (a more realistic risk with Five in the building), Diego tentatively pulls the waistband of Luther’s white boxer-briefs and takes a peek. Purely for comparative purposes.

Holy shit.

The band snaps back to his abdomen as he stares into the mirror’s wide eyes again. Well. How about that. 

Another peek, in case he’d been hallucinating.

Nope. 

Okay, so that is going on a list of things never to talk to Klaus about. The size queen would be way too interested.

Shit, he has to get home to Klaus. If this is a total body-swap situation Luther is about to have a super-weird wake-up. Still, least that means Diego had been right to insist on a clean-up before sleeping.

Luther doesn’t seem to own many clothes. A couple pairs of pants, some massive shirts. It’s probably not easy to get them. Mom probably made what he has. Diego gets into what’s available. It’s surprising how difficult it is to just… get dressed. Diego’s never been one for the bodybuilder life, favouring agility combined with enough muscles to rough up bad guys. Luther’s big shoulders, chest and arms are more of an obstruction than he realised.

He manages to bash his arm against the doorframe getting out of the bedroom. It’s like wearing an inflatable suit. His whole centre of balance is off. He clutches the bannister as he makes his way slowly down the stairs. He’s almost at the front door when he hears Allison.

“Where are you sneaking off to?”

“Out.” He shrugs. Luckily it doesn’t crush his head between his stupidly-large shoulders. 

“I made us some breakfast.”

Diego raises an eyebrow. Allison laughs. 

“Okay, I asked mom to make us breakfast.”

“Cool, save me some.”

“Wait, where are you going?”

The sooner he gets home to Klaus the better. What if Luther decides to give Diego’s body a test-run? Klaus wouldn’t know it’s not him. Luckily, with Diego’s tactics in Luther’s body, he’ll be able to quite literally kick his own ass if Luther doesn’t agree to trade back right away. 

“Doesn’t matter. I gotta go.”

“What’s going on with you? It’s like you don’t want to spend time with me.”

“Seriously?” Diego doesn’t have time to waste, but… “You say that to me? After all the years he-- I’ve pined over you? You abandon me at the house, you get your amazing career, get married, have a kid, don’t even return my calls...”

“Calls? What calls, you never--”

“Then you show up and expect me to just be here for you and your drama, no matter what. Soon as we get separated you get married again!”

Allison fumes. “I’m allowed to _live_ , even if you refuse to. And by the way, I thought you were dead.”

“And now you know I’m not, you wanna play house again until someone better turns up. You know what, I don’t blame you, but you could have the decency to at least admit it.”

She doesn’t seem to know what to say, eyes wide and lip quivering like Diego’s upset her.

Five is stood at the top of the stairs watching silently, sipping from a mug. 

He’s wasted enough time already. Diego leaves the house, letting the door slam behind him. His good deed for the day. Luther would never have had the cojones to call her out like that and she’d carry on using him forever. He had better be grateful when this was over. 

*

“Hey asshole!”

It’s the second time Luther hears it so this time he turns around. A man with no hair but a lot of tattoos is storming down the street towards him. 

“Me?”

“Who the fuck else? You tangle with my boys just for doing business with your whore, think you’re getting away with it?”

“My what now?”

The guy throws a punch. Luther doesn’t dodge because--

Ow. 

Right. Diego doesn’t have super-resilience. That hurt. Luther staggers back, putting a hand to his mouth and feeling blood. Diego is going to be mad at him for getting his lip split. 

“Not so fucking tough without your knives, huh.” The man punches him again while he’s reeling, first in the face then the gut, doubling Luther over. 

Luther swings a fist at the guy, but Diego moves differently. He’s quicker, so the hit lands, but Luther has been training in not killing people and he always pulls his punches. The guy laughs off the attack. 

“Seriously, vigilante boy? You have the nerve to go around cutting bits off my men and you can’t even punch?”

“Look, I think there’s been a misunderstanding.”

“Yeah, see, after you bust in and ran, your pretty boy junkie took the goods but didn’t leave us any cash. So you’re gonna cough up now or we’re gonna pay him a visit. Know he meets you at the gym. Maybe we’ll be there instead next time he goes.”

Wheels are starting to turn in Luther’s head. He really doesn’t like the picture being painted. 

“Wait… you mean _Klaus_?”

“Are you kidding me with this dumb shit? Or have you got so many whores doing drug deals around the city that you didn’t know which I meant?”

“Okay, you need to stop calling him that. It’s rude.”

The angry drug dealer – gang leader? Luther’s not sure – shakes his head in disbelief. 

“Rude? What are you, eleven? Rude is interrupting a deal and hurting my boys because you can’t keep a leash on your whore.”

This time Luther does not pull his punch. He imagines he’s trying to put his fist through stone and drives Diego’s arm forward so hard his punch knocks the man flat on his back. 

“I’m not eleven,” he tells the man. “I’m Number One.”

He turns and walks away feeling proud of himself for a couple of moments. Then the guy shouts after him once he’s a little further away. 

“You’ll be number one in hell, you stupid motherfucker!”

Oh, he has a gun. Damn it. There’s nowhere for Luther to take cover, just a trash can that won’t provide any sort of shield. He can’t get killed in Diego’s body! In a panic, Luther grabs the lid from the trash and flings it at his attacker.

It’s the strangest thing. As he lets the metal lid fly, he can still feel it moving. It’s going wide, so Luther… _pushes_ at that feeling. The disc changes course and slams the man right in his forehead. This time, when he falls down he doesn’t get up. 

Luther takes the gun and puts it in the trash then continues heading home. Hopefully he won’t meet any more of Diego’s acquaintances on the way. Luther thought _he_ was bad at making friends. At least he doesn’t go around making enemies.

Honestly it’s exhilirating to be so light on his feet. Diego doesn’t know how good he has it. Well, he works for it, Luther supposes. Diego spends a lot of time training for someone who claims to hate the way they were brought up. It’s funny, although they’re more about the mission than any of their family, it has never brought them closer. Once upon a time Luther would have said jealousy, but these days he’s not sure what it is. Diego was a man on the edge during their trip to the sixties, going for a high five one minute then threatening old ladies the next. Now they’re back home, he seems to have levelled back out to who he was before.

Who he was before was a bit of an asshole.

Even the front door of the Academy feels heavier with Diego’s arms doing the pushing. Luther goes inside and up the stairs to the room where he last saw his own body. Diego’s not here. It’s only then that Luther realises how eerie it would have been to see his own body with someone else moving it. 

There had been no mirror at Diego’s apartment that Luther had seen, so he pauses at his own reflection. Diego hasn’t cut his hair yet. Maybe Luther should do it for him? Or maybe he’s keeping it long on purpose. Probably better not to take liberties. It is a little annoying though, the way it keeps getting in his eyes. Maybe Allison has something to tie it back with.

Her back is to the door when he goes to her room. He knocks lightly. “Hey.”

She jumps at the sound and wipes her eyes. “Oh. Diego. Hi.” 

“Are you okay?” It’s clear she’s been crying, which immediately takes priority over insignificant crap like getting a hair-tie or saying he’s not Diego. 

“Probably not.”

“What’s wrong?” Full of concern, he doesn’t even think before sitting down beside her on the bed.

“I am. I hate admitting it to you when you knew all along, but given Luther’s finally called me out on it… I guess I got what I deserved. You going to say I told you so?”

“What? No, I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

“Coming back here. To the house, to… Luther.”

“You regret it?” He asks, his heart already breaking in anticipation.

“No. Crazy how I can answer so quickly. Everything’s been so messed up. I mean, dad’s death, Five came back, then what, two apocalypses? But you know what, I _never_ stopped taking it for granted that Luther would be here. It made me so mad when we were younger. God I wanted him to run from this house. But after a while it was like… there was a piece of me left somewhere safe from all the Hollywood crap. A private, innocent bit of me that nobody else got to know. But you were right all those years ago when you said it was selfish, making him carry it, assuming I could come back any time I wanted and he would just wait. I always thought you were projecting because of your shit with Klaus, but you were reading me right. Even Vanya didn’t get that close in her book.”

“Vanya never really knew us,” Luther says, mind reeling. “We didn’t let her.”

“That’s true.”

Luther puts his arm around her shoulder. He wonders if he should be angry. The only time he’s ever actually been mad at Allison was when she left. Even when he found her married to Raymond he couldn’t blame her. She hadn’t known Luther was alive. And even if she had…

When he was younger it was so much easier to believe they were made for one another. Ever since his accident he has struggled to hope for that much. Maybe Allison can come home, be the person she once was, but he doesn’t have that luxury anymore. He’s still trying to figure out who he is now. She deserves better. 

“You’ve always done your best,” he manages to respond in the end.

“Yeah,” Allison scoffs, “for myself.”

“And for--”

“Don’t say Claire. I’ve failed her so hard.”

“Hey.” He draws his arm back and puts his fingers to her chin and tilts her surprised face to his. “We’ve all failed people. That doesn’t define us. It’s what we do next that matters. How we make it right. And when I look at you I see a woman determined to make things right, even things that most people would flinch away from. Even… giant grotesque ape guys.”

Allison raises her eyebrows and smiles slightly. “I’m not intimidated by larger men.”

“Oh?” Luther says weakly because that means… could that mean… is she saying…

He dares to lean in and press his lips to hers.

She shoves him _hard_ and he falls off the bed to the floor as she jumps to her feet. 

“Diego, what the FUCK?!”

“Whoa, whoa, it’s not Diego! It’s me!”

“ _You’re Diego!_ ” Allison wipes her mouth with her hand. “Oh my god, your mouth has been on Klaus’ and who knows where Klaus’ has been. I’m gonna need to get tested before I give my daughter a kiss on the cheek. What the fuck.”

“I’m Luther! I woke up looking like Diego!” He pushes himself back up to his feet. “I’m guessing he woke up as me.”

“But… holy crap.” Allison looks stunned for a couple of seconds before narrowing her eyes. “Wait, when were you going to say that, exactly?”

“You were upset.”

“Well yeah, I just got read the riot act by someone I _thought_ was you, but was in fact our asshole brother. You could have just said that! You let me spill my guts to you just now!”

“Sorry. Um…”

“What?” She practically growls the question.

“Did you mean what you said about...” He does not trust the way she’s looking at him. “Never mind.”

Pinching the bridge of her nose as if trying to relieve a headache, Allison sighs. “Okay, so we need to get Diego back here and figure out what to do. God knows where he’s run off to though.”

“Maybe back to Klaus. They’re uh...” Luther lowers his voice. “Intimate.”

“I know. Everyone knows that.”

“Oh.”

Allison stares at him. “You didn’t know that.”

“Come on, how would I know that? I mean, I know _now_.”

Her eyes go wide. “I don’t wanna know how you found out. Wow. So Klaus knows you and Diego have… what, body-swapped?”

“No, I didn’t want to worry him. I’ll just get Diego back in this body, get back in my own body and we’ll get on with life as usual.” 

She throws her hands up. “Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable.”

“But I was going to tell you. I was.”

“Whatever.” She pushes past him. It’s strange that she’s not so short from this angle. “Let’s just get this fixed.”

“Wait, what did Diego say to you exactly?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

He feels strongly like it does, but Luther knows he’s put his foot in it enough this morning. He silently follows her out of the house. 

*

“Klaus!”

The door to his apartment breaks off in Diego’s big hand. “God damn it.” He leans it up against the wall.

“Hey big guy. Diego’s gonna ask you to pay for that, you know.”

“It’s me. But yeah, probably is the ape’s fault for having such a clumsy bod.”

Even getting down the steps is tricky. Diego skips up and down these every day. Going down them as Luther is like wearing a mascot costume. He feels top-heavy. His legs are strong, but not as flexible or fast. Like wearing thick, restrictive pants. 

On the bed, Klaus is eyeing him strangely, blowing smoke at the ceiling. Diego sighs.

“You know you’re not supposed to smoke in here. Put it out.”

“You’re not the boss of me.”

“I’m Diego. Put it out.”

“No, you’re Luther.”

“Some sort of body-swap bullshit.”

Sitting up and narrowing his eyes, Klaus says, “tell me something only you would know about me.”

“You’ve got a little knife tattooed on the inside of your thigh.”

“Everybody knows that, Luther. I’m often naked.”

“Fine.” Diego clears his throat, feeling a little awkward. “The first time I saw it and you told me it was for me, I… I c-came stupidly fast.”

“Maybe everybody knows that too.”

“WHAT?”

With a chuckle, Klaus puts out his cigarette in the dish on the bedside table. “Just messing with you. So body-swap, huh? The whole Freaky Friday shebang.”

“Guess so. Means Luther’s walking about out there in...” Diego has an awful realisation. “You didn’t… I mean he woke up here, you didn’t… do anything, did you?”

“Nah, he got up early. Was gonna blow him but I guess it’s a good job I didn’t. That would have been so awkward.” Klaus frowns at Diego. Specifically at his crotch. “Have you… y’know, peeked?”

“Of course not, don’t be disgusting. Nobody wants to look at Luther’s bits.”

“Right now they’re your bits.”

“No, this is not my body. My body is a fucking temple. And I’m getting it back. I am not getting stuck in this clumsy, oversized...” even gesturing at himself is slow and difficult, his broad chest obstructive and his thick arms chafing his sides. In frustration Diego kicks out and Klaus shrieks as the kick launches a chair into the wall, whereupon it explodes into pieces. 

“Sorry. F-fuck.”

“Easy, easy.” Klaus gets out of the bed, still naked, and pads over to him on bare feet. He strokes Diego’s borrowed chest through the shirt. “We’ll get it fixed. You got swapped over, we’ll just get the guy and make him swap you back. Simple.”

“Yeah. I need to find those freaks.”

“And if you don’t, don’t panic,” Klaus says, still in the same gentling tone. “We’ll make it work.”

Diego nods. “We’ll… wait, what? You mean… what do you mean exactly?”

Klaus shrugs a little, looking over Diego’s borrowed body. “I mean, I know Luther has some body issues but when you really care about someone you overlook that. I know you’re Diego, so I can get to grips with a new--”

His hand wanders. Diego grabs his wrist before it wanders too far. Klaus is shorter than him now. It’s weird to have to look down to meet his eyes. “I’m starting to think you’re eager to ‘get to grips’ with it. Something I should know?”

“Just curious.”

“Stay curious.”

“They do say that’s the secret to staying young. But then Five says it’s bad teleportation that’s the secret, so who knows what to believe?”

“Believe that I’m getting my damn body back.” 

“Could you let go of my wrist? Your hands are strong.”

He releases him straight away. It had been like holding a twig, he hadn’t even thought about it. “Shit, sorry.”

“S’okay.” Klaus rubs at his wrist. There’s a pale line the size of Luther’s thumb and finger now starting to pink up again. 

“Fuck. I hate this stupid b-body!” He punches the wall in a fit of frustration. It leaves a deep dent. He groans. Now he’s going to have to fix that.

“Luther probably feels the same about it, I’m guessing,” Klaus says. “Except he doesn’t get to look for a way out of his big, burly bod.”

“He’d better not be running away with my body,” Diego says. “That’s _my_ temple. I work hard on it.”

“I know, I know,” Klaus soothes, patting his shoulder.

“If I get it back and he’s done anything stupid, like drink alcohol or take any drugs or get more tattoos or broken any bones...”

“You break bones though, Diego.”

“That’s different, they’re _my_ bones! I can break them if I want! Which I don’t. Often. Sometimes stuff happens. And you’re one to talk, you nearly broke your leg on the steps the other day you got so wasted.”

“Yeah,” Klaus acknowledges, “but if someone else was piloting my body I’d let them make those mistakes too. No judgment. Having physical form is a burden.” He gestures to himself. “This is an incredible responsibility. I mean, can you imagine Luther having to pilot this level of decadent trash? Or worse, Vanya? I’d be wearing grown-up shirts within ten minutes.”

“Well my body needs good maintenance too.”

“And as soon as you’re back, I’ll make sure it gets it,” Klaus says with a wink.

Diego almost goes in for a kiss, then remembers at the last minute and ducks away. Klaus pouts. 

“No!” Diego points at him. “Nothing until this is fixed.”

“Spoilsport.”

But Klaus goes looking for his clothes while Diego finds a police scanner. If he can catch word of that powered gang, he can get them to reverse this. It might even be therapeutic to slam Luther’s meaty fists into their faces a few times.

*

Vanya’s not home so Allison leaves her a message. They can’t find Five, so they head out without him. Allison drives them over to Diego’s place and Luther marvels at how much more comfortable cars are without his massive frame to squeeze in. 

They get to the gym where Diego lives but on the way in they’re accosted by an older guy.

“Diego! Where have you been today? I’m this close to firing your ass.”

Luther looks to Allison, who shrugs. He panics. “Uh… family emergency. They should be in my room actually so um… I’ll just...”

“If you mean the big guy and your tarted up fruitloop, they ducked out about thirty minutes ago. So grab a mop before you go after ‘em.”

“I don’t really have time.”

“Time? It’s your damn job. You wanna keep your room or not?”

Allison rolls her eyes and steps closer to the man. “ **I heard a Rumour… that Diego did a really good job today.** ” 

The man’s eyes mist over a moment before he shakes his head a little to clear the fog. “That was some good cleaning today, Diego.”

“No problem,” Luther says. 

He and Allison make a quick getaway. 

Back in the car, he says, “you probably shouldn’t have Rumoured Diego’s boss and landlord.”

“You want to go back and mop?”

“No, but--”

“The alternative is getting him fired and kicked out of his home. Pretty sure if that happens after you have his body for one single day, he will actually kill you. I’ve got a vested interest in avoiding that. Even if you are an idiot.”

She doesn’t seem as annoyed with him as she was before though. Luther tries to hide his little smile at that.

“Stop smiling when I call you an idiot.”

“Sorry.”

They drive a little longer before Allison admits, “I don’t even know where to go. Where would they go? Back to the house?”

“Maybe? Knowing Diego he’s gone to hunt the bad guys responsible for this.”

“‘Bad guys’,” Allison echoes. “You know, you and him have more in common than either of you realise.”

“Oh no, I realise,” Luther tells her. “It’s just that all the things we have in common are literally the things I hate the most about myself.” The anger, the need for validation, the way rational thought took a backseat to impulse far too often. He looks over the borrowed body he’s in. “Well, second most. Wouldn’t mind keeping this body.”

“Don’t think we can trust Diego with yours,” Allison says. She reaches out and squeezes his hand. “Besides, I refuse to kiss Diego’s mouth. Even with you behind it.”

“So… does that mean you’d consider--”

A body crashes into the windshield. Allison shrieks and slams on the brakes. The person rolls off of the car, though not by choice. It’s one of the spike-covered twins. Luther’s out of the car as soon as it stops. When he ducks down to see if they’re alive, the other twin is suddenly upon him. 

**“I heard a Rumour you couldn’t hurt us,”** Allison throws out. 

The twin’s eyes go wide with panic and their eyes dart to their identical sibling. They can’t reach them without going through Luther and Allison.

“Here.” Luther goes to pick up the unconscious twin, but staggers as he realises how heavy people are for regular, non-superstrength people. He steps back instead, waving a hand to them and graciously letting the conscious twin save their sibling.

Down the street it’s clear what has happened. Luther winces to see his own body in action as Diego picks up one assailant and swings them around in a full circle. Something invisible crashes through the outdoor dining table next to Klaus’, where he sits smoking calmly. He smiles when he sees Allison and Luther.

“Why hello there Allison and _Diego_!”

“You must know that’s not me,” Luther says, pained as Diego lets out an animal roar. 

Klaus laughs. “Oh yeah, that’s definitely my man inside a killing machine. Kinda hot though.”

“Do not even,” Allison warns him as Diego pulls up a signpost and throws it after a fleeing member of the opposing superpowered gang. It misses.

“Oh what, like you haven’t taken that fine stud for a ride?” Klaus asks incredulously, gesturing to Luther in Diego’s body. 

“Of course I haven’t!” Allison exclaims. She gasps and looks over at where Diego is throwing more streetside objects after the escaping freak. “Did you...”

“Not yet. Was kinda hoping he’d be in the mood after this.”

“I don’t consent to that,” Luther tells him. He picks up the ashtray from Klaus’ table and pitches it after Diego’s target, glides it directly into the back of their head and knocks them out.

Diego whirls back to glare at him and stomps over. It’s actually… quite intimidating. Luther’s surprised by the instinct to shrink back, given how often Diego has stood up to him fearlessly when in their normal bodies. 

“What are you doing here? I had him!”

“No, you didn’t,” Allison replies, folding her arms. “Where’s the mind guy?”

Diego’s sullen expression looks strange on Luther’s face. “He’s not here.”

“Seriously?” Allison asks.

“How was I supposed to know he wouldn’t be here?!”

He steps closer to Allison and it feels so wrong to see, even if she stares back unfazed. Luther steps Diego’s smaller body between them. 

“Calm down.”

“ _Don’t_ you tell me to calm down! I have every right to be pissed off! Stuck in this stupid ape body with--”

“With a hormonal imbalance that will fluctuate out of control if you don’t try and breathe a little!” Luther interrupts. “Trust me, Diego. You’re better than this.”

“Dee,” Klaus says gently, reaching out and stroking one over-large arm. “We’ll get it fixed.”

“Seems weird the one we needed would be the one who didn’t show,” Allison says.

“They were asking me where he was,” Diego says, still grumbling but not bristling with aggression. “Like I’m supposed to know.”

Luther sighs. “Let’s head back to the house and regroup. Maybe we can find Five and get Vanya to join us.”

Klaus and Diego follow him and Allison to the car, at which point she frowns at them. “What, you didn’t bring yours?”

Diego scowls with Luther’s face and turns away, folding his arms. Klaus pats his shoulder then stage-whispers to Allison, “he couldn’t fit.”

“Oh, I hear that,” Luther says sympathetically.

“ _You_ couldn’t fit!” Diego snaps. “It’s your stupid body that you let dad mess up, I’m just stuck with it!”

“Yeah, it sucks,” Luther says. Diego’s not saying anything Luther’s not gone over and over again in his head. Still hurts, but there’s no point snapping. “We’ll find the guy. Promise. Then you can have your shiny body back. I know you put a lot of effort into it.” Okay, so maybe he sounds a little more snarky than he meant to at that last bit.

“This body’s nothing but effort,” Diego grumbles.

“So with that in mind,” Allison snaps, “now that you’re literally walking a mile in his shoes, how about you _lay off_ before I Rumour you to think that’s your real body!”

“You wouldn’t,” Diego says, horrified.

“Of course I wouldn’t. But I should. You can fit in the back of my car. Go on. Klaus, sit on… Luther’s lap.”

He looks between Diego’s body standing beside her and Luther’s body crammed into the backseat. “Um, which one?”

“The one whose lap you can actually fit on,” she says, climbing into the driver’s seat and gesturing for Luther to get in the front.

“Awkward,” Klaus says with a little laugh. 

“No, he can fit in here,” Diego says from the back. 

“It’s cool,” Klaus says, sliding into Luther’s Diego-like lap. “Now Luther, you squash that pesky muscle memory before it leads you astray.”

Luther’s face warms. Does Diego blush? If he does, nobody mentions it. The ride back home is uneventful. Klaus thankfully sits very still and Allison drives carefully with her broken windshield. 

“You’re paying for that, by the way,” she tells Diego when they pull up to the house. 

“Why?”

“Uh, because you threw someone through it?”

“Maybe you drove into the person I was throwing, did you think of that?”

When they walk into the foyer, Five greets them with their missing super-powered weirdo bound on the sofa with tinfoil wrapped around their head. 

“There you are,” he says, sipping a cocktail. “I was wondering.”

“What the...” Luther looks between Five and their target. “Who told you what had happened?”

Five wrinkles his nose. “I didn’t need _telling_. Diego’s mannerisms are glaringly obvious, no matter what face he’s wearing.”

“And you didn’t say anything to me?” Allison asks, disbelieving.

He rolls his eyes. “So sorry, I thought getting these idiots back in their own bodies a trifle more important. Was I wrong?”

“Why have you wrapped him like a makeshift foil pipe?” Klaus asks.

“The resilience of his power is surprisingly weak to obstruction,” Five explains. “Handy to know.” He leans closer to the target’s wrapped head. “Though perhaps not as handy as knowing that my powers are quicker, so if he tries anything when I take it off, I’ll be able to surgically remove a part of him for each attack he tries.”

Then he lifts the foil.

Luther hadn’t got a good look at the guy before. He must be the same age as them, but he looks young. And terrified. But Five has that effect on most people. 

Deciding to play good cop, he waves. Ignores Diego glaring at him with his own eyes. “Hi. Could you uh, switch us back into our own bodies please?”

“I don’t know how it happened,” the guy says quickly. “It was just supposed to kill you. Uh… him.”

“So try it again,” Five says. “Luther, Diego, stand together. Klaus, Allison, move.”

“Wait, is this risky?” Allison asks while Klaus bites his nails nervously.

“Don’t give a shit,” Diego says. “I am _not_ living in this body.”

“Will you stop?” She argues. “I’m talking about yours and Luther’s lives here. I get being bulky doesn’t fit your _style_ , but--”

“It HURTS, okay?” Diego shouts. “I d-don’t know how he fucking does this.” He turns to Luther. “How do you do this? My whole chest feels like I’m wearing a sweater of barbed wire. My muscles chafe against each other when I move. I’ve smacked my head into a doorframe three fucking times. I sweat constantly. I keep getting… itchy hairs somehow under… scar tissue? Is that even supposed to happen?”

“I’m Frankenstein’s monster,” Luther says with a shrug. He’s not really sure what else to say.

“No you’re not,” Allison says, looking devastated like he hasn’t seen in a long time. “No. You’re Luther.”

“You know Frankenstein made his monster out of the sexiest bits he could find,” Klaus says supportively.

“Yeah,” Luther acknowledges, “that he could find in a graveyard. Even that would be better than finding bits from… from the zoo.” They’re looking at him with pity. He can’t take it and points out, “there are some upsides though. A body that size is a pretty good shield for you guys. I don’t mind that.”

He doesn’t know what that look on Allison’s face means. 

Five is draining his cocktail when their guy makes a break for it. 

“Shit!”

When he teleports to stop him the guy’s ready, blasting his power quickly so that Five’s forced to dart away again. Diego throws an ornament that smashes into the wall, then gives chase in Luther’s cumbersome body. 

“Wait!” Luther runs after him and finds Diego’s faster than he is. Shouldn’t be a surprise.

They’re almost upon the guy when he spins on his heel and blasts his power at Diego again. Luther dives between them. Everything goes purple again. Then white for a second. 

Then he’s looking down at Diego. He feels ten tonnes heavier, itches, aches…

He’s back.

Diego is looking at his own hands then at Luther. “Wait, it worked instantly this time?”

“Must be a result of it being done more than once,” Five says. “Interesting.”

Their mind-zapper tries to get out the front door. Diego pelts a small statuette at him and it clubs him squarely in the back of the head, knocking him out cold. Diego punches the air.

“ _Yes _, I’m back, baby!” He glares at Luther. “And don’t use _my_ body as a shield next time! Not that there’s gonna be a next time.”__

__Suddenly Luther’s arms are full of Allison. “You’re back, oh thank god.”_ _

__“What,” Diego says, “my body’s not good enough for you?”_ _

__She twists her expression in distaste. “Not even.”_ _

__“Fetishist.”_ _

__“Hey now, no kinkshaming,” Klaus says, patting Diego’s chest._ _

__“I suppose we’ll need to decide where and how to imprison him,” Five muses, looking at their unconscious captive. “Unless you let me kill him.”_ _

__“Maybe we report him to the authorities,” Luther says. “See what they want to do.”_ _

__Allison laughs a little. “Typical Luther.”_ _

__“And that’s… a good thing.”_ _

__Her lips meet his softly, but it hits him like a punch. She’s _kissing_ him. Then smiling at him like the most beautiful thing in the world._ _

__“Well, I think so,” she says._ _

__

__*_ _

__

__It’s early. Allison will want more beauty sleep and Five keeps erratic hours, so Luther has the house to himself at this time. He pedals on the exercise bike watching the medical monitors. He’s been wheezing a little lately. It has to be said that since they returned from the sixties he hasn’t been terribly active. His body needs a stable regime more than most. Time to get back into it._ _

__“Hey big guy.”_ _

__Luther turns to see Diego leaning against the doorframe to the gym. “Diego. Something wrong?”_ _

__“Nah. Just wondered if you’re up for a little sparring.”_ _

__“Really.”_ _

__Diego nods. He doesn’t _seem_ angry. He’s smiling a little. “Really. I’ve been thinking about your weight advantage.”_ _

__“Right. So you want to test some new moves against a bigger opponent. Not sure I’m up for getting my ass whooped before breakfast.”_ _

__“You got me all wrong, bro. I was talking with some of the bodybuilders turned fighters down the gym last night. Getting some tips on movement and stuff. It’s not ideal, being that big and trying to fight, but it’s not impossible. I could use a workout too.” He smirks. “Klaus is only good for cardio.”_ _

__“Klaus still trains?”_ _

__He’s missed something, judging from the way Diego laughs and shakes his head._ _

__“Come on, you wanna go or not?”_ _

__“Yeah, okay.” He climbs off of the bike and they both head to the training mats._ _

__Diego’s as good as his word, mentioning moves the guys use to try and negate some of their unnecessary bulk. He talks about some lotions and ointments they use for chafing._ _

__They also beat the shit out of each other, but that was to be expected. Even with a bloody nose, Luther accepts this is Diego’s way of apologising. Of reaching out. Luther didn’t need to wear Diego’s body to know him._ _

__“We should make this a regular thing,” Diego says as he grabs a towel afterwards._ _

__“I’d like that,” Luther says sincerely._ _

__“Cool man.” The awkwardness is there and gone in a second as Diego nods to him. “Catch you round.”_ _

__“Sure.”_ _

__When Luther catches sight of himself in one of the mirrors in the training room, he’s smiling. He’s still smiling when Allison comes down to find he’s made her breakfast._ _

__He doesn’t need his old body anymore than he needs his old life, he tells himself, when Allison kisses him good morning._ _

__This isn’t perfect, but it’s better._ _

__And for the first time in a long time, he’s optimistic that things might carry on looking up._ _


End file.
